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The Secret Diary of Gimli, son of Gloin
Day 1
Grr. Argh.
Day 2
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up Elves very bad for my digestion.
Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of Hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
Day 3Day 7Day 9Day 13Day 14
In Mines of Moria.
May have made slight miscalculation as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years? Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
Day 15
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have tearful cuddle-fest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
Day 16
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lecher. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
Day 20
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While Hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. Very satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with Elves.
Day 22
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting very lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moon-light stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
Up Next: The Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck
Day 1
Grr. Argh.
Day 2
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up Elves very bad for my digestion.
Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of Hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
Day 3Day 7Day 9Day 13Day 14
In Mines of Moria.
May have made slight miscalculation as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years? Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
Day 15
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have tearful cuddle-fest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
Day 16
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lecher. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
Day 20
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While Hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. Very satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with Elves.
Day 22
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting very lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moon-light stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
Up Next: The Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck