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Good news... bad news...

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  • Good news... bad news...

    First the good news...

    Received notice that in the next few day's I'm going into respite care for a few weeks or so...

    Now the bad news...

    A few more 'crappy jokes' to tide you over.

    The cost of living

    After a night out in Glasgow on the bevvy and being well after midnight, I had just enough dosh to get a bus home to Lenzie. At the bus stop were two old wrinklies wrapping the gums around each other in the shelter. Not wanting to intrude, I stood outside.

    Suddenly, from across the road, a man shouted, 'Hey You, see you, Gei us a quid or I'll stab ye?'

    I looked around to see if there was anyone else he could be shouting at, but the two wrinklies had taken no notice. I asked if he was talking to me and once again, he shouted, 'Aye you, Gei us a quid or I'll stab ye?'

    Now, I'm not sure about some others, but I happen to be a sucker for a bargain. When you think of all the trouble and hassle of being stabbed, shirt and other clothing ruined with holes and blood stains and God knows how many hours you would have to spend in casualty, time off work etc., a quid is quite cheap, in fact, it's a real bargain.

    Had all this happened in Edinburgh, things could easily have been much, much worse... It would have cost me a tenner.

    Who said...

    Mr. Spock didn't have a sense of humour???

    Reading between the lines... this is what was really said:

    This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose if it so befits me.
    Answer: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

    The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been manufactured for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.
    Answer: These Boots Were Made For Walkin'.

    Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of bricks of baked clay.
    Answer: Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road

    And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.
    Answer: And we'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away.

    The deity had little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule iridescent seed-bearing fruits.
    Answer: God didn't make little green apples.

    Allow me the honour of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of a member of the family Ursidae of the order Carnivora.
    Answer: Let me be your Teddy Bear

    Retrospective Mourning

    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

    The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

    The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

    The New Mobile Phone

    A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

    The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi love," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

    She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

    "What's that, love?" asks the husband.

    "How did you know I was at the supermarket?"

    Manager please...

    A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

    When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman. "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the aroused barman manages to say.

    "Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

    Here's wishing everyone a fantastic Xmas followed by a Guid New Year and that the future treats you kindly.
    It's not what inspires us that is important, it's where the journey takes us.

    Wally and his Collie with our Oly bits & bobs

  • #2
    Re: Good news... bad news...

    Like Stephen if serious about respite I hope all well with you and things continue to improve. Take care and in touch.

    Live life in the slow lane.


    • #3
      Re: Good news... bad news...

      Hope things go well with you, and use the respite wisely!

      A camera takes a picture. A photographer makes a picture

      Fuji X system, + Leica and Bronica film

      My Flickr site


      • #4
        Re: Good news... bad news...

        Look after yourself.
        Cameras: E-M5, E-PM2, OM40, OM4Ti
        Lenses (M.Zuiko Digital): 7-14mm/F2.8, 12-40mm/F2.8, 40-150mm/F2.8+TC1.4x, 12-50mm/F3.5-6.3, 14-42mm/F3.5-5.6 EZ, M.ZD 40-150 F4-5.6 R, 75-300mm/F4.8-6.7 Mk1, 12mm/F2, 17mm/F1.8
        Lenses (OM Zuiko): 50mm/F1.2, 24mm/F2, 35mm/F2.8 shift
        Lenses (OM Fit): Vivitar Series II 28-105mm/F2.8-3.8, Sigma 21-35mm/F3.4-4.2, Sigma 35-70mm/F2.8-4, Sigma 75-200mm/F2.8-3.5, Vivitar Series II 100-500mm/F5.6-8.0, Centon 500mm/F8 Mirror
        Learn something new every day


        • #5
          Re: Good news... bad news...

          Echo the sentiments above - take care,get well and keep in touch.


          • #6
            Re: Good news... bad news...

            One for Wally.

            From a junior teachers notes on teaching a class of five year olds reading.
            One little boy was reading out loud to his classmates from a book about the zoo.
            That's a frickin elephant he told them.
            What did you say? asked the teacher
            That's a frickin Elephant.
            Where did you get that? asked the teacher
            In my book he replied.
            Show me she asked, and sure enough..
            The caption on the picture read. .................

            A frican Elephant!

            Keep well

            Live life in the slow lane.


            • #7
              Re: Good news... bad news...

              Take it easy and keep groaning at the jokes.
              You'll get more sympathy that way.